I am going to Nepal. I am going to Nepal!!! For almost all of my life the world has called me to adventure, and although I have journeyed out - often alone - this will be my first visit to a land so distant and different from my own. So you'd think I'd be pretty darned excited, right? You'd think I'd be full of anticipation at realizing a life-long dream. You'd think I'd be eager to be on my way.
Well, if you're thinking those things you would be wrong. Oh to be sure, back last February when I saw a friend's photos of his recent trek I was thrilled at the thought of going. And in about ten days I found everything I was looking for - a Nepali guide (Bhim, recommended by said friend), offers of volunteer work from four different Habitat for Humanity groups, an opportunity to trek to a mountain monastery where I could teach English, and a lovely school in Bhaktapur that said "Sure, we'd love to have you come and be our librarian." Seriously, it was as if the Universe had opened the door and said "Whatever you want is yours." And I was thrilled and amazed. I was thrilled and amazed that is, until I was faced with the reality that I was actually making plans to go. It was at that moment that fear and self-doubt began to ever so slowly creep in.
Not heeding those little gnaws of apprehension, I continued to make my plans. I asked Bhim to take me trekking and touring and also decided to volunteer with Habitat for Humanity in building a house near Pokhara. But it took months before I could bring myself to actually purchase my ticket, and all the while I was talking about the trip as if it was something that was going to happen to someone else. I researched for all the right clothes and gear and luggage so that I could pack light, take my stuff in a carry-on that would convert into a backpack, and (in addition to some work clothes) have just two changes of (quick-drying) clothes, a long hiking skirt (to wear out in the country, where people are very traditional), and some cool travel accessories. I got new stuff and it was like Christmas for a few days. But all of the stuff is still sitting in a corner - with all the tags still attached.
I made a huge long list of things to pack and things to do and every time I crossed one thing off it seems I added three things more. I signed up for the State Department's Nepal travel alerts (and learned there was a demonstration planned at the US embassy in Kathmandu that day). I researched and bought an insurance policy with coverage for trip cancellation as well as medical coverage and helicopter evacuation and coverage for the return of remains (all part of the standard policy recommended by Habitat). I read up on all the health issues and concerns and ways to protect myself and to stay healthy. I spent $500+ for vaccinations. I obtained a prescription for some expensive sunglasses, got prescriptions for Cipro, Azithromycin (as well as copies of the prescriptions themselves), and also bought the necessary over-the-counter stuff. I realize now that, on a subconscious level, every accomplished task and every purchase seemed somehow like an appeasement to the gods - "There, maybe just doing this will be enough and I won't actually have to really go."
After making my deposit which covered the expenses of my own participation in the Habitat build I decided to ask friends to help me fulfill the rest of my required contribution. I was so humbled and deeply touched at the response I received, while all the while a small part of me was thinking, "What? Now you're really going to look like a fool when you end up backing out. How will you ever face your friends again"?
I paid 50 bucks for a book on how to speak Nepali and although it was a month ago that I decided I'd learn a phrase a day, I now know how to say only three things - well four, if you include "Namaste." I can say "Tapaiko naame ke ho?" (what is your name?), "Mero naam Dee ho" (my name is Dee) and "Tapaaisanga bheTera khusi laagyo" (nice to meet you). To be fair to myself, I have almost mastered "Tapaailaai kasto chha?" (how are you?). I like to think I'm pretty good at learning languages, but not so now. My mind is so easily distracted these days.
As you would expect, I've been worrying about the drinking water and when I brush my teeth I remind myself not to brush with tap water in Nepal, and I've been practicing taking a shower with my lips tightly shut and trying not to get droplets of water in my nose, and when I sit on my toilet seat I have tried to imagine what I will do in those instances where there is no place to sit. One of the longest discussion threads on the Lonely Planet forum has about 75 or so entries - all about going to the bathroom in places where there is no toilet paper or toilets. I read the detail of each and every entry. With great interest. I have yet to take the advice of practicing squats here at home.
I have yet to take the advice of practicing squats. This is a segue and has something to do with fear. These last few weeks I have felt almost a constant, intense fear and internal pressure. I jump at the ring of the telephone, at the sound of a knock at the door, at the sound of a car backfiring in the street. There have been some nights I have been awake all night long - other nights wherein I have slept for an hour or two. (Most of this was nerves; some of it, reactions from the vaccinations.) I am so distracted I can't seem to focus on the smallest of tasks. Some days I look (and feel) like I'm 120 years old.
But back to the segue. I have yet to take the advice of practicing squats here at home because of the manifestations of fear. I can't practice squats because there have been days when I could hardly stand up or sit down or turn over in bed because my back muscles have been going into spasms. The spasms are real, but I believe they are the manifestation of fear - just like the muscles in my right arm which made it almost impossible to lift a coffee cup to my lips at breakfast this morning, and like the headache I had for days on end and like the plantar fasciitis that has (almost) gone away. I asked my MD if he didn't think I was too old to be going to Nepal, but I didn't get the answer I wanted. "I'm not a psychologist," he said, "so all I can say is snap out of it."
For months I have been of two minds. I have been at war with myself. Even though I have expressed something of my fear to a few friends, I really haven't blabbed on about it endlessly and I'm proud of myself for that at least. I mean, seriously, how ridiculous is this: "Would you make a donation for a Habitat build in Nepal? And, oh, by the way, I might not go."
Okay, now can I be nominated as Drama Queen of the Year? Seriously. About 100,000 people visit Nepal each year and if you're still reading this, well God bless you. I occasionally surface from self-absorption and look around and see there are people with real problems in the world. So let's make one thing clear: I am going to Nepal.
I woke up the other day and I decided I would pray. I try to pray every day, except of course for these last few weeks when all I've wanted to do is run away. Thank goodness for the times when I've been with others and have faked it. No one could help me with this anyway; how could I speak sanely about my battle with myself? My ego has been struggling for control of my life ("Don't go into the unknown") and my mind has been in almost constant obsession and fear. What was so frustrating was knowing that on some level I was dealing with a paper tiger but I still wouldn't give up the fight.
But I woke up the other day and decided I would stop fighting with myself. I had been listening to all the fearful thoughts, thinking there was wisdom in them - that maybe I really shouldn't go. And then I decided that, in this case, fear is simply fear. Yes, there is some potential danger in going to Nepal, but I know of a woman who fell down and hit her head in her own garden and died from the fall, and of a librarian who died after falling down her basement stairs. (Why does this somehow make me feel better?) I must have looked crazy while driving on John Deere Road on Tuesday. If you had been the person in the car next to me you would have seen me in my Mini Cooper yelling "The purpose of life is to LIVE! You must LIVE your life! The purpose of life is to LIVE! Just LIVE and be ALIVE and be HAPPY!" Fortunately, all of this yelling didn't make me cause an accident.
I woke up the other day and said "I give." And I began to pray and I prayed. I prayed that I would be of one mind - that I would commit totally and fully and realize my dream. And although the moments are fleeting, there are once again moments of yearning. May those moments bloom into glorious excitement! But whether they bloom or not, I am going to Nepal.
